How dairy?! The Swiss cheese pervert strike again

Emmentaler_aoc_block

Who knew Emmental could be so erotic?

Christopher Pagano, a 42-year-man from Philadelphia, was arrested by police after offering yet another woman money to rub Swiss cheese on his genitals.

His latest arrest comes after a fourth woman came forward to report such an incident. It now brings the number of charges Mr Pagano is facing up to a not so brie-lliant 20.

The ‘serial masturbator’ has been dubbed the ‘Swiss cheese pervert’ in the United States. Now his notoriety is spreading worldwide as his seamlessly insatiable hunger for dairy-related sexual acts continues apace.

The first reported incident involving the cheese pervert was in January of this year when a photo circulated of the man in question waving a piece of his favourite holey cheese in the air… with his trousers parked around his ankles.

The local neighbourhood in which Mr Pagano was operating posted a picture of the man on its Facebook page and warned residents to ‘beware of the Swiss Cheese Pervert’. He has not been deterred though; he has since asked several women to rub the proteinous product onto his crotch, offering financial rewards in return, without so much as a cheesy chat-up line first.

As more women were sought out by the persistent Mr Pagano, the propositioned females fell back on the old adage: in queso emergency, call the police. The cheese-loving Lothario was quickly arrested, released on bond but then busted once again as the problem persisted.

In total he now faces 20 charges, including four each of stalking, indecent exposure, harassment and open lewdness, according to online court records.

His sweet dreams are made of cheese, but unfortunately for the Swiss cheese sex pest, his dreams are yet to become a reality.

Britney hits used to deter Somali pirates from attacking ships

Oops ...

Oops …

Britney Spears’ hits, including ‘Oops! I Did It Again’, are being used for a very unusual purpose – to deter Somali pirates from launching kidnap attacks on super-tankers off the east coast of Africa.

According to merchant navy officer Rachel Owens, Britney’s chart-topping tunes have proven to be extremely effective in scaring off the attacks. She told Metro: “Her songs were chosen by the security team because they thought the pirates would hate them most. These guys can’t stand Western culture or music, making Britney’s hits perfect.”

Tankers located in the region are in danger of pirates carrying guns coming aboard and kidnapping crew members in a bid to extract ransom money totalling millions of pounds.

In 2011, 176 attacks on ships by gangs of pirates carrying weapons were recorded off the Horn of Africa. As a result of the on-going threat to safety of the crews aboard the ships, the Royal Navy has over 1,500 sailors operating round-the-clock patrols on 14 warships in the area.

The Britney hits are blared from the ship’s speakers directly at any approaching pirates, meaning that the ship’s crew are not disturbed by the loud music.

“It’s so effective the ship’s security rarely needs to resort to firing guns,” Ms Owens, 34, said. “As soon as the pirates get a blast of Britney, they move on as quickly as they can,” she added.

Steven Jones, of the Security Association for the Maritime Industry, told the news source: “Pirates will go to any lengths to avoid or try to overcome the music. I’d imagine using Justin Bieber would be against the Geneva Convention.”

Men under arrest for stealing 9ft chicken statue

Cock a doodle doo.

Cock a doodle doo.

A trio of young men have been arrested after stealing a statue of a chicken which measured in at 9ft.

Putnam County, Florida-based Darrin Edwards, 19, Tyler Jones, 21 and James Smith stole the statue – which is made from aluminum and weighs around 42 stone – from the home of local resident Ben Smith.

According to the Metro newspaper, Mr Smith was getting ready for a day at work when he heard a commotion outside his home. Amid the “screaming and hollering” he could hear, Mr Smith went outside and saw his statue – which is worth around £1,500 – being dragged away behind a Chevrolet truck.

The statue was dragged down the road for around a mile with one of the riding with it, before it was unhooked from the van. The men then drove away.

Detective Shannon Depew, leading the investigation into the stolen chicken statue, told the publication that the three men were arrested the following day and were charged with theft.

“The chicken sustained a broken leg, broken claw and there was extensive damage to one side,” Detective Depew said.

Man ‘hypnotised’ into having an affair

A man has been hypnotised into having an affair with a psychic and spending thousands of pounds during his extra-marital relationship with her, it has been claimed.

Former amateur racing driver, Jim Gotobed, spent around £12,000 on Tracie Long during a ten month affair, which ended in Mr Gotobed divorcing his wife of 25 years.

At a hearing at Chelmsford Magistrates Court, it emerged that the aptly named Mr Gotobed felt he was “hypnotised” during his time with Ms Long and after sessions together he said he left “more deeply in love with her”.

Agency reports published by The Telegraph revealed that the extraordinary accusation came out after Ms Long took Mr Gotobed to court accusing him of harassment and stating that he repeatedly texted her, wrote to her parents, reported her to the Spiritualist Association and threatened to kill her. The magistrates threw out these claims, however, stating that they believed Mr Gotobed’s version of events over that of Ms Long.

Mr Gotobed said that his relationship with the psychic had begun 30 years earlier but that the pair rekindled their friendship through Facebook. He claimed that she had conducted Tarot readings for him and that on the first reading she spoke of a “dark force about him”, suggesting that it related to his marriage and advised him to “get a quick divorce”.

As their relationship progressed, it is claimed that Ms Long sought out financial benefit, urging Mr Gotobed to sell prized possessions to “unburden himself”.

The court case does not appear to have been resolved as yet and our crystal ball hasn’t been able to predict what the result will be.

Prisoner in extraordinary escape from court dock

 

Cat burglar makes bid for freedom.

Houdini-style escape ends badly. 

A prisoner has made an extraordinary escape from the court dock after being told he had been refused bail.

Craig Ellis, 30, appeared in Lincoln Magistrates’ Court for his trial as a cat burglar. However, after he learnt that he was due to remain in custody he made a desperate bid for freedom.

The former drug addict used a wooden shelf to shift himself up and through the narrow ceiling bars of the dock he was being held in. From here, Ellis managed to slide his entire body through the tiny gap as the stunned dock officer desperately tried to pull him back by his legs, the Telegraph reported.

The burglar then made a bid for freedom, running towards the exit of the court room. However, he was thwarted when a probation officer who witnessed the escape quickly forced the doors shut. After running around the court room for less than a minute, Ellis gave up on his grand escape and was escorted back to the dock.

Judge Michael Heath when jailing Ellis told him: “This was a very determined effort to escape from the court. It was only thanks to the quick thinking of a probation officer that you were unable to do so.”

The judge went on to jail the burglar for three years and three months for his crimes and the escape bid from custody.

‘Batman’ hands in wanted man

Batman

Batman doing his civic duty. Image credit: West Yorkshire Police/PA Wire

A man dressed as the character of Batman has handed in a wanted individual to a police station in Bradford.

The unknown man walked into Trafalgar House police station on 25 February and handed a suspected criminal in to the officers, who were left clueless about the identity of the masked man.

A spokesman for the Yorkshire police said: “The person who brought the wanted man into the station was dressed in a full Batman outfit. His identity, however, remains unknown.”

Since the ‘Batman’ handed over the offender, he has been arrested by officers on suspicion of burglary, fraud and breaching a court order; and charged with handling stolen goods and fraud-related offenses. The man will appear at Bradford magistrates court on 8 March to stand trial.

Meanwhile, nothing more has been learned about the identity of the real-life superhero. The only clue at the moment appears to be the fact that he was wearing a costume inspired by the 1960s TV series rather than the recent Christopher Nolan incarnation of the hero.