Sexless spreadsheet lands husband in hot water

couple-in-bed

Sexual frustration can manifest itself in wild and crazy ways, but one man has channeled his excessive libido into an altogether more structured release.

Below is a picture of the spreadsheet an unsatisfied husband sent his wife that listed all the excuses she had given for not wanting to play a game of hide the sausage. Unfortunately for our Excel Romeo, the stunt backfired when the aggrieved wife posted the picture on Reddit, causing it to go viral within hours.

Sexy spreadsheet...

Sexy spreadsheet…


The user, throwwwwaway29, wrote on the social community site: “My husband sent me an immature, inflammatory email as I was driving to the airport for a 10-day work trip. I opened it and it’s a sarcastic diatribe basically saying he won’t miss me for the 10 days I’m gone. According to his “document”, we’ve only had sex three times in the last seven weeks, out of 27 “attempts” on his part.”

Communication is the key to a successful marriage, or so say they say. And while the husband’s very organised approach to tackling the problem is admirable, this 21st Century attempt at foreplay is seemingly not going to work. Indeed, most marriage counsellors would probably admit that sending a passive aggressive email with an attached spreadsheet is not going to be best the way to initiate a bit of hanky panky. After all, nothing says sexy like tabular software!

What will humans look like in 100,000 years’ time?

It is estimated that Homo sapiens began to evolve into what we would recognise as ‘early man’ around 300,000 years ago. In the intervening period – a mere blink in the Earth’s history – humankind has changed in numerous and substantial ways.

We have got taller, we stand more upright, we have less pronounced brows and generally sport a little less body hair. But such is the transformation our species has undergone in this time, that we are bound to ask the question of what we will look like in the distant future.

Well, Washington University has used computational genomics to predict just that. The results, which you can see below, are somewhat bizarre.

While there is going to be little change over the next 20,000 years, by the time we reach the year 102014 there are going to be some odd alterations. Most prominently our eyes are going to be far larger, almost resembling something out of a Japanese Manga comic. This is supposed to accommodate are growing use of technology, particularly wearable teams like Google Glasses.

Nickolay Lamm, who led the study, also predicted that our skin is going to become far darker to help protect us from harmful UV rays. Furthermore, denser hair is predicted to insulate our larger heads while nostrils will also increase in size to make breathing in potentially less suitable environments easier.

In reality, this can only ever be speculation, one possible outcome should human life continue down a particular path. Nevertheless, it is intriguing to imagine the subtle ways in which we will continue to adapt to the modern world we have created for ourselves; assuming we don’t all blow each other to pieces long before then.

XO - Today

XO - 20,000XO - 60,000

How we will look in 20,000 years

Human evolution – today, 20,000 years’ time, 60,000 years’ time and 100,000 year’s time

 

Mother of four gobbles up rivals in burger eating contest

This looks delicious... can I have 25 more please?!

This looks delicious… can I have 25 more please?!

When you think of eating contests, you probably imagine rows of impressively obese men hunched over a mound of hot dogs showing a complete disregard for the importance of mastication.

It might surprise you, therefore, to see the latest winner of the coveted Z-Burger’s Independence Burger Eating Contest, Molly Schuyler. The slight, unassuming woman is renowned on the eating contest circuit but still surprised everyone when she inhaled 26 burgers in the 10-minute time limit to become the first person without a Y chromosome to claim the trophy, bagging $1,500 prize money in the process too.

Molly boasts an impressive gastronomical CV; she once scoffed 363 chicken wings in 30 minutes. Speaking after the Z-Burger eat-off, she said: “Most girls won’t do it because they think it’s gross but I have no shame.”

The mother of four, who tips the scales at a meager 120 pounds (eight-and-a-half stone), has also noshed down a 72-ounce steak, three kilograms worth of burgers and a giant five-pound pizza (not all at the same time, it should be noted) to win eating contests across the US.

But in a career of such gluttonous highs, this latest victory is sure to taste sweeter than the rest. Take a look at the woman in action…